March 27
Today, Friday March 27.
I got home from work at 8:30 AM.
Fed the horses, got undressed, and went to bed.
But again… my mind wouldn’t stop.
Thoughts everywhere.
Bills piling up.
Constant pressure.
Trying to figure out how I’m going to pay everything.
By 10 AM, I still wasn’t asleep.
Eventually, I managed to fall asleep…
Until 2:30 PM.
I woke up suddenly because of noise downstairs.
My oldest son was having another outburst.
I jumped out of bed immediately.
My girlfriend had already been drinking again — way too early in the day — and the arguments had already started.
I tried to calm everything down, but the tension stayed.
There’s something I haven’t mentioned before…
In her life, only a few things matter:
First — alcohol
Second — her family
And only then… our family
She grew up with alcohol and sees it as completely normal.
I never drink.
But when she drinks, her personality changes instantly.
And that causes a lot of the fights… and the anger in my son.
Of course, she believes she’s doing nothing wrong.
But I guess that’s how it always is.
I’ve been living like this for 25 years.
Sometimes I ask myself…
What am I still doing here?
But then I think about the children… and the grandchildren.
What would they do without me?
So I keep everything inside.
I keep going.
I endure.
It’s been 5 years since we’ve had any intimacy.
No affection. Nothing.
I know she’s been through a lot with cancer…
But even after good results… after feeling better…
Nothing changed.
I don’t even remember what it feels like
to be loved by someone who truly cares about you.
And me…
I’m not the best-looking person.
And now… especially not anymore.
My teeth are completely damaged after an accident with one of my horses.
I can’t afford to fix them.
I’ve been ashamed of it for years.
I barely dare to talk to people anymore.
I haven’t taken a single photo in years because of it.
More and more…
I feel like I’m slowly falling into a dark hole.
But still…
I have to believe that one day something will change.
People often say:
“You choose this life.”
But that’s not true.
People who have never lived this…
have no idea what they’re talking about.
After writing this blog today,
I’ll quickly try to eat something
and then get ready for work again.
See you tomorrow.
